Friendships….

For the past couple of years, I have been silent. I have been trying to figure out my life and going through trials and tribulations that I have yet to still conquer, but am trying my very best to. I realized that in the midst of my silence, I haven’t been writing as much as I wanted to. Just recently this last month, I got some inspiration to go back to poetry.

Writing has always come naturally to me. Since the moment I watched Ally Dawson, from Austin and Ally,  pick up a journal to write her songs in.. It made me curious if I could do that. If I could put my thoughts to paper. That turned into journaling, which in turn, it turned into little summaries. That then, turned into me writing short stories… And so forth.

Writing.. it is a gift for me. Yet, it can also be a curse. You see, these past few years, I forgot what it was like to just sit down and just type out, or even write out the things that I am currently dealing with.

When we are facing problems head on, we tend to shy away from it or go blind eye to it because it is too much to deal with at that moment. Then, you know a few years pass by and it comes back to haunt us in friendships, relationships, or even our own faith can be tested.

So, these past few years have been really rough on me. Things that I didn’t think would happen–did. Friendships went and left. Had my first real experience with a relationship that wasn’t…but that only lasted for so long. Like there is much to uncover. But as T-Swift says on her ground-breaking world tour “The Era Tour”, we will cover that section by section. (One era at a time)

But for now, I just want to discuss something that has been bothering me for quite a bit.

Friendships.

Have you ever met someone who seems to be good for you? Okay, like they can provide a much needed sense of positivity in your life that you know you need, or even crave? That you think a connection will ensure for a lifetime, even if it’s probably going to be only for just a season? Or you believe that this person can maybe give you new experiences you never thought of, but wanted to step into, but didn’t know how?

But then half-way down the line, that “friend” seems to give up all of a sudden just because you aren’t who they thought they imagined you to be? They condemn you as being sucking the life out of the party, never having any fun, never living life truly, too emotional, or even, being down all the time?

Have you ever experienced any of that?

Because I want to say something to those types of people who do say those things and the people who are on the receiving end of it…

Life is a challenge. You only have one life to live. Only have so many opportunities given and so many chances that come by. Life can be either joyful or depressing. Life can be filled with love or hatred. It can be filled with kindness and generosity, or cruelty.

You see, in this life we really cannot judge a person just based on energy alone. Someone’s energy or as the kids call it nowadays “vibe” isn’t mostly accurate.

When we judge someone based on the vibe they are putting off, we don’t necessarily know why. We are merely using an assumption based on their behavior, tone, or appearance that they put off. We are using what we think is our best judgement at that moment, which is biased….it ain’t fact based.

You have to really get to know someone first before making an assumption about them. It shouldn’t be based on a biased opinion that is merely on a vibe. Have you ever considered why that person is “too emotional”,  “sucking the life out of the party”, or whatever other judgments you want to place on them?

Have you ever taken the chance to be vulnerable with someone, or even to produce an act of kindness towards someone who is like that without condemning them in the process?

Because guess what? You are condemning them. What could be a way of you being the most positive experience  that they have in their life, you are essentially making an assumption without truly getting to know the person’s personality or what makes them…well them. Missing out on an opportunity. The question of why…It can change a lot.

Have you ever considered that the reason why most people are putting off vibes that are down is because they have experienced so much of life to the point that their mental health is trying to take it all in?

You see, friendships for me are very difficult. I put off bad energy in the beginning because I am constantly afraid that they are going to leave. If it isn’t that, I question until I feel some sort of reassurance. And if it isn’t that, I have really bad days where I don’t want to be bothered because I don’t want to take it out on them. I also don’t want to necessarily let them in all the way because they generally leave. They tend to judge my mental health as a whole rather than seeing beyond that. 

Most people who suffer from a mental health condition generally all they want to know is if you would stick around through both good and bad times. And most, do not understand that concept and would rather judge you for something you really try to have control over. Just some days… it gets harder to. 

I am fortunate enough to have at least one good amazing friend. This friend has been with me for quite a few years and I honestly don’t know how they managed to stick around for this long. This friend is the most generous, sweet, kind, and empathetic person you will ever meet. They tend to take the world on their shoulders sometimes. I can see it some days weighing them down, yet they thrive on through as if it isn’t. They are very independent and strong minded. They love and care for everyone as a whole. It doesn’t matter what race, gender you choose, or what religion you are at. They just genuinely care about people as a whole. Sometimes though, I wish they can see that they are doing more than enough and that it is okay to take a break sometimes. That it is okay to have a day off and to say no. They show up even when they have so much going on and even though I may not show it sometimes, I really appreciate them. I am also very proud of them.

But I wanted to venture out though. To get out into the world to figure out if I can make more than…Along the way, I met someone who condemned me rather than try to get to know me. I fought tooth and nail thinking that they were going to be the real deal. Mind and heart are at war constantly. Yet they couldn’t bother to try. Everything was on their terms. Their schedule. How they felt. I felt like I had to constantly apologize for things that honestly were a two way thing. Now, I am not perfect in any sort of way, but when you are the only one apologizing … then yes, something isn’t necessarily right. 

I felt like I couldn’t be myself around them because they made mere statements before about my character and about who I am as a person. I didn’t feel a sense of security around them. Now don’t get me wrong…They were a really really good person. They did help me. A part of them did care. It was just that they lacked patience and understanding. They have expectations you couldn’t even reach even if you tried to. They hide behind a harshness when they don’t want people to get too close to them. Then, when they do, they cut you completely off. 

I’ve been around those types of people for a while. You would think that by now I would be able to steer clear and point them out, but unfortunately that isn’t me. 

In life, we have one. We decide what we want to do with it. We decide how we want to live it. We decide who we let in and who we let out. It is okay to not want someone who you think is too depressing for you to be in your life, however, I want you to think about how it would feel if the roles were reversed.

Treating people the way you want to be treated is the motto in life. Never judge a person by what they present to you. Try to have patience and kindness because you have no clue or idea what someone is dealing with or why there is so much darkness weighing on them.

And if you are the person who has the darkness.. 

Opening up is the scariest thing we have to do. Letting people in… You have to remember you can have walls, but make them fences instead. Building walls tends to not let people in and not to let you out, but building fences lets you see, while also protecting you. Don’t allow someone’s misconceptions to guide you wrong or tear you down. Work on YOU for YOU. Continue the growth even if they leave. 

Think. You tried your best. You did what you could. You survived. You tried. Not most will do that. So, don’t fall back into old patterns, or old habits. Continue doing it because it was never them that caused the growth to happen, but you instead. 

Life is so tricky and so weird, but I kid you not, these last years I have been silent and it has done nothing but helped me grow into the person I am today.

And that is why I chose everyday to be alive rather than…

I will have bad days due to my mental health, but the next day, I will get back up stronger than ever. 

You can too.