I still believe….

Believing.

It is something hard to do   something that’s just unreal. Am I right?

Have any of you guys ever seen the TV show created by John Gray: Ghost Whisperer?

If you have not, that’s okay. I will just explain the central point of the TV show.

So, Ghost Whisperer is centered around a young woman named Melinda Gordon. She sees, hears, and can talks to the dead (ghosts). She helps earthbound spirits cross over into the “light” by making peace with unresolved issues that the spirits may have.

Now, imagine her coming to you to tell you all of that. She comes to you to say that someone from the dead, whom you may know, or is a loved one, is trying to reach you. 

I bet your first instinct, or reaction would be:

What is this lady talking about? Is she crazy or something? She just have to be….

While some, and I mean, some, would actually find out to see if she’s really telling the truth. Either way, somewhere in the back of your head, you wouldn’t even think, nor would you believe that it could be true. The central point is: You wouldn’t have faith.

Believing means to have faith into something that seems totally unreal, or even unusual. It means to push aside all doubts, all fears, and to irrecoverably let go. Sometimes believing means to put yourself out there, even when others dare you not to, because the things you believe in matters most than what they may not of. The things you can believe in doesn’t necessarily have to have the five senses. It can be merely a thing, a person, or even a place. It’s undoubtable   never changing. 

The title of this post is called “I still believe”. It means that one has lost a bit of faith, or hope yet they still believe that whatever it is they can overcome it. At least, that is one interpretation that can made from it. 

When I say, “I still believe”, there’s this song that I listen to by Jeremy Camp. The title is in the song. You see, Jeremy went through some really tough times. One of those factors was losing his wife to cancer. It made him lose a bit of his faith and even hope. In the midst of all that, he wrote this song about believing, even though, it was too difficult to even manage believing and having faith when all seemed to be lost. 

It also reminded me of a time in my life where I was at my lowest point. I felt extremely hopeless, useless, and even misunderstood. The things I would say just came out wrong. The way I felt I just had to hide. I hated talking in front of people. Hated sharing my deep most personal feelings because once you are vulnerable anywhere it can be used back at you. I also hated to be touch because when someone gave me a hug, people don’t realize is that they transfer their own feelings and their emotions onto another person by just a simple touch. So, when someone hugs me, or even a slight brush, I freeze, and then I just feel. At the time, I didn’t know that it was their emotion I was feeling. 

So, not only was I feeling my own emotions, I was also feeling others. So, it was like a train-wreck came over me and I just had little to no control. I felt like I was not in control over anything. I tried to find ways to control things. One of those being my eating, until I realize that wasn’t probably healthy. Then, I tried this weird ridiculous idea of making sure everything was in order on my assignments in school, and double-checking everything even though it wasn’t necessary. Now that one, I still do that even as of today, but it’s not as bad as it was before. I even tried to punch walls (still have no idea why..).

The whole central idea is that: My anxiety manifested and spiraled out of control. People were scary to me. I couldn’t hold a conversation without feeling like I wanted to bolt. Everyone in the room looked like they were mad at me (which was not true since half barely paid much attention). All I could feel was this uttermost fear set in. 

Oh, look….They are laughing at you….They think you want attention…Do you really think they actually care about you? They just pity you…..

And so on and so on….

Thoughts that were dangerous. Thoughts that led to crying every night in bed wishing for something to change. Wishing for things to be different. Waking up everyday feeling like no-one gets it. That no-one understands what it feels like to walk around as if you are a burden to humanity that should just be erased. Screaming, yelling above, and asking Him: Why?  Then, trying to erase yourself, but to be stop at every turn, not understanding how it was possible. 

So, I was at my low point in my life. I questioned my faith. I questioned my belief. Questioned about pretty much everything an existence. So, I decided to try something. I went to this camp at my church. At first, I was just going because it would be good. Everyone kept telling me that I needed to be out of my shell. So…..I went. 

And that’s where I realized what still believing means. That’s when I realized that you can go through so much in life but in the midst of that there’s just this one thing that always going to either stop you, make you, break you, or even help you.

It could be about anything and even yourself at times because that’s how life is. It’s just complicated, weird, and annoying like that.  

I went to that camp and I felt the belief. I felt the hope and the faith. I felt His arms wrap around as if He was telling me to hold on. The thing I struggle most was that I kept confusing society definition of “religion” versus the actual truth, which is: It’s not about being “religious” because that’s a societal norm…No…It’s all about having a relationship and talking with Him everyday as if He is right in front of you. It’s about having a best friend/father right there that you know you can count on even if others fail because He is there. He is watching over you and has your back no matter the circumstance. It’s about believing—still believing even though it’s so difficult to. 

In general, life is literal hell. I mean—we all go through these things. I still battle with anxiety everyday. And having to find ways to manage especially during this whole pandemic? It’s hard.

But it all comes down one thing. And you don’t have to believe in the things that I do…No, that’s just my story. You can believe in others. You can believe in many others things. You can believe in the grandest, but the most important thing to believe in is yourself. 

I am pretty sure Melinda Gordon didn’t care about what other’s thought of her, as long as she knew herself, loved herself, and believe that she can do it, then she did. Yeah, it didn’t hurt that others may believe her, she still took her gift in stride. No matter the cost. 

There’s always this phrasing that stick in my head:

“How can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself? How can you believe in others when you can’t even trust, have faith, and believe in who you are? How can do the things you do, without considering to do it for oneself. You must take care of yourself because yourself is the most important of all. The mirror will only be a reflection of yourself and not of others. So, take care.”

It’s a phrasing that I don’t know if I wrote it, but it’s there. And if you want to, feel free to use it as mantra as some sort, but I am going to leave it off there because you can still believe in yourself. You can still have that faith. You can still have that courage, but one must look in the mirror first to see what reflection may lie. Is the person who you wish to be, the person you are becoming, or the person that others sees? In the end, the only thing that should matter is what you think and not of others…….